There have not been much of picture submission for St. Patrick's Day posting and I'm so fucking busy at home. I'm substituting the pictures with a lot of jokes for you. I know, FutNut has always been big on St. Patrick's Day and I promise next year, I'll have big post for it.

Here's an old posting that everyone requested to be reposted in honor of St. Patrick's Day.

Happy St. Patrick's day! It's one big motherfucking green celebration, there's parade, flashing college babes, boozes, and even Irish weeds. Never know, even on St. Patty's day, there's bound to be bad lucks...

My buddy spoke of one time, he was drinking with this gorgeous babe, he still dispute the photo I took at the time he was drunk. His drunkard spree didn't stop, he had a black Irish.

Afterward, he messed with his mother's dog and even today, the dog still bears the mark... Poor Fido! Who knew that Rite would be permanent.

Great St. Patty drink recipes!

Cold Poison

FutNut's very own invention from South Caicos Island, 2001!

1/2 glass Crème De Menthe
1/2 glass Jose Cuervo Tequila

Bit of ice, or drink it straight! Guaranteed to knock you out fast after 4-5 glasses!

Jameson St. Patrick's Day

A green whisky cocktail for Saint Patrick's day:

2 parts Jameson Irish Whisky
1 part peach liqueur
1 part blue curaçao
orange juice to taste

Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker.
Strain into a cocktail glass.
Sprinkle the rim with green margarita salt

A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said, "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the crap out of him!"
 

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."


The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"


The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
 

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

You might be a Leprechaun if...

* You snicker uncontrollably all through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."

* Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists -- Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.

* You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for lunch.



* When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)

* In your cupboard -- nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.

* Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.



* You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.

* You've been under a rock for the past few years.

* You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)



* You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."

* When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by saying things like "How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad? You're wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?"



* Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald's.

* When you say something is "magically delicious," it really is.



And the number one way you can tell
you might be a Leprechaun:

* You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
 

Someone sent me this nice photo... Pretty funny, eh?

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"